You often hear that attachment is the root of all our problems. Learning to detach in a healthy way takes practice and is a learnt skill. Many people do this in an unhealthy way and often mistake disassociating and blocking for detachment.
All this creates is a mentality of denial, blocks and hiding the problem so there becomes 'no problem' to the person. If you don’t already know when you have done this, most of us have experienced this in others where you can see the problem being denied and the other person just can't see it or refuses to see it.
How familiar are the statements 'well this is me', 'I can't change' or if my change means 'x' then I don't want it'.
We have all heard people justify why they've done this and as a Mindset Coach and Medium, all I hear is: excuse, belief system wall, challenge, comfort zone violation and oops!! occasionally a three sixty sprint back to where they came from where it was warm and cozy sitting in their 'stuff'.
Relationships are a major part of our growth. Everyone of us is in a relationship of some sort. Surprisingly people do not always consider family and friends as sources of relationship growth and quite often only look at romantic relationship in this way.
Applying the principal that how you operate in one relationship is how you will operate in all relationships is a good starting point.
So how do you balance healthy attachment / detachment?
1. You cannot lose what you don't have.
No one owns anyone. We are born alone and will leave this plane alone. The journey is about who we meet along the way and what we learn. Everyone is a teacher.
2. No one can guarantee anything with anyone.
The myth of 'forever' is a societal and often a cultural belief. When a relationship ends tragedy strikes and this can be a painful process. Learn to be in the present with all people you are connected to.
3. Everything is temporary.
Nothing is permanent. Even life. One day it will all be gone. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes in a flash. Focussing on what you have had or could have leads to missing out on everything happening in the now and present. That classic statement 'if this were my last moment what would I do' could in fact be true.
4. To trust more and to be open.
How many really do this? Fear holds everyone back and it takes courageous action to really overcome this one. Receive the incredible gift of a person in your life. Not just romantically but in whatever shape or form it happens.
5. Give without the expectation of receiving.
Receive without the expectation of giving. That's unconditional. We have grown up in a society where we feel the need to be of service, a martyr or so duty bound to family, culture or religion that we have forgotten what it is like to be an individual.
6. Be vulnerable.
Vulnerability isn't a weakness neither is showing and acknowledging emotions. We have a right to feel anything we want to. We are quite often told how we should feel or there is an expectation of how we should respond in situations. Our reaction causes the other person to respond ie there's an emotional charge or a button has been pushed. What does this cause? A cycle of back peddling, denying your feelings and retreating to appease the person being challenged.
A bit of a game I guess. However, reactions are still interactions between people in relationships. The fact that they are viewed as negative or an argument is the problem not the feeling being expressed.
7. Be fully present to yourself and your own power.
That's the beauty of children. They are fearless up to a point that is. Give with the fullness of your heart like a child that has no fear.
8. Accept that people will come and go.
Everything in life is a cycle. If something comes into your life, know at some point it will leave in some form. This is part of growth and evolution.
9. Pain is only temporary.
It's not forever. When you’re in it remember this one, it will help bring you back into the present. Whatever it is that is causing you pain at whatever level, look beyond the pain and ask why has it shown up in your life?
10. Apply wisdom not logic.
Be wise enough to understand that everything is in the context of a bigger picture that hasn't emerged for you yet. When you trust that and hold it as your vision, your perspective changes.
Of course it's human to expect.
And with that comes hurt and disappointment
Pick yourself up.
And no matter what happens don't ever stop trusting.
And most of all.... Have hope and faith. Without that there is nothing.
After embarking on my own journey (which later become somewhat of an epic one) in search of answers on life after death and spirituality, I discovered intuition and it's relevance in my life.
Coming from a line of Mediums and Healers that had skipped a whole generation AND all of my own family line I was starting to feel a huge amount of self impose genealogical pressure.
We hear so much about spirituality and how important it is, but adopting spiritual practices in everyday life often very difficult. We make excuses that we don’t have time and if we do begin a practice, we then feel guilty when we don't keep it up.
A classic case of 'am I good enough?' and 'do I dare to shine in my brilliance?'.
This quickly led me to pursuing mindset and behavioural training and looking at why we do the things we do - our wiring and programming is so critical and linked to how our intuition unfolds.
Intuition becomes clearer when mental chatter is cleared and one becomes mindful.
But if your self talk overrides intuition all of the time what can we do to break the pattern.
Using myself as the basis of all my learnings and trainings I developed. I adopted the philosophy of if I can do it so can you - nothing is impossible!
Here are 10 of the biggest discoveries I have had whilst on this amazing journey of teaching and guiding others to discovering their spiritual journey and unfolding their intuition:
1. Everyone IS different and not everyone's intuition will work the same way. We become too busy looking at how other people achieve and do things rather than focus on ourselves. What's our wiring? Not to be selfish of course.
2. Comparing yourself to others is like comparing an apple and an orange - literally! Our processing systems determine how we intuit. Neurologically our brain will process information unique to us. Comparing is pointless but we are wired to fit in all of the time.
3. Stepping into our own power is the scariest thing I have witnessed - there are almost always tears. Stepping into our brilliance is a real challenge and our wiring is all about don't speak up and don't be your authentic self. We are often made to feel inadequate, held back or powerless.
4. Self judgement, blame and shame holds us all back. No matter who you are being true to yourself is often a challenge as we are made to feel guilty and selfish is we self love and self nurture.
5. As much as we would like to think otherwise, we are our harshest critics. Our self talk stops us from growing, living and feeling joy in life.
6. Self love and self nurturing is the hardest nut to crack. We feel guilty sitting down and doing nothing for 10 minutes. The key to growth is valuing yourself enough to put yourself first. Finding the balance between selflessness and selfishness is a fine line and quite often a challenge.
7. Not many people can connect to themselves. Instead, they stay in their head and logical mind because they perceive it as safer. Opening yourself up with an open heart is scary and most people will betray themselves over and over again. Mindset and wiring is the cause and can be undone once you decide you value yourself enough to.
8. Dipping into the emotions and heart centre is so scary for some people it physically causes pain.
I have watched my coaching clients literally squirming in agony and pain when they have started to make the shift from the head to the heart and start opening up their intuition. The challenge takes courage and bravery!
9. When you let go and release all the drama and drama queens in your life there's a point when you look in the mirror and realise “ there's no one else to blame”.
So many of us blame family, ex's, work, bosses and anyone one else for the reason they 'can't do' they start believing their own story.
There comes a point where there is no-one but the you in the mirror and you realise the buck stops here.
Accountability and responsibility for change sits with only one person. You. Make a commitment. Take action.
10. Accepting yourself wholly, just as you are, is one of the hardest things to do. Many coaches and personal development focus on our light side and not our shadow. After all who wants to own their 'bad behaviours'!
It takes guts to sit and look at yourself in totality light and shadow and heal. You can't beat your shadow with a stick it's like a child having a tantrum and needs enough nurturing as your light side.
As I watch the unraveling begin I see all of this and so much more in people I work with. The beauty shows and the realisations happen, as soon as the acceptance and acknowledgement is detached and the person looks inside. And so begins the transformation!